Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She's the barista slut.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
