Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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