why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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