u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
How's work?
Spinning.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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