you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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