Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
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he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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