So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
