dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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