Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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