He disabled his match.com account in front of me
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
