2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Welp...herpes.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
