I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
