i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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