I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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