Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
