he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I did not marry a roomba.
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