i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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