I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize