I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
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I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
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Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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