What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
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just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
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Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
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