my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
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I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
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Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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