Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
