on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
