omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
