I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
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My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
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the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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