Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
