So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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