The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
