OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
