u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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