:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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