Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
