i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
