When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
