Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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