Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
