I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
