First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
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She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
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When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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