he wants to bone in the snuggie
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
