So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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