I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
