I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
