Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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