does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
