Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
