I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
