she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
