you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
