I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
