I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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