My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
They are going to name an STD after you.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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