Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
