Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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