no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
