I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
