my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
