Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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