I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
