Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
