Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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